Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
