I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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