someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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