My underwear smells like fireworks.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
