Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
