you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
