Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
