so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
