if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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