I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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