I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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