woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
