HIV tests are more positive than that guy
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Your penis caused this!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
