Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
