i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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