You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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