i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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