She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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