I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We left the knife in your bed.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
