You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
