I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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