just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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