She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
