plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
