So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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