I wanna passion pit in your ass
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
