Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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