Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
