remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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