Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
