I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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