i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
