Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My bed smells like the plague
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
