i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
