Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
