i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
