Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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