The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
