i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
