Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
