I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
she told me i tasted like america
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
