maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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