I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
