2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
