Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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