I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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