ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
