Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
