this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
