Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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