on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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