you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
